Grief is hard, no it is more than just hard. It is heart breaking, soul-destroying, tiring, devastating, it can consume you as a whole. I suppose you think I am talking about how I have felt in the past, after losing my Dad, and more recently my Nanny Ronnie, my Dads mum. Well yes, they are all words to describe how I have felt. However, this post isn’t about that its about how others have made me feel like a victim of circumstances, felt sorry for, also like I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

Why does my grief and the way I have felt made people feel uncomfortable?

It is almost like now my Dad has passed away I am no longer allowed to talk about him without others feeling awkward. How is that even fair? Now obviously not everyone is like this. But I can tell you the vast majority of people do not know how to deal with MY grief. This is actually a thing now. One mention of my Dad around some people and I get the sorry eyes and the ‘here we go again’ looks. I just do not understand it at all.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I was openly told that my life was too depressing and this person didn’t want to see it. (NOTE; they don’t have me on Social Media) but it made me think perhaps other forms of Social Media were not the right platform for me to air how I feel. But why aren’t they? I have many people on Social Media that I have hidden because I do not like what they write about or simply they bore me and I have many people I do not even have on Social Media. I have always said that Social Media is a wonderful platform to give voices to people who don’t always have them, need somewhere to vent or just want to let their friends and families know how they’re feeling!
So why does that not apply to people who are grieving. Why does the right of the person who is uncomfortable trump the right of the one in pain? Especially when there is a wonderful tool that allows you to scroll past something you do not wish to see or read.

When my Dad passed away, naturally I was heartbroken. I didn’t always feel like I could let people know this. Simply because it was too hard for them to hear. Let alone how I was feeling, it was too much for them. Their lives were not filled with this anger and hate. Of course I would not wish this upon anyone – but where was the empathy? Why did people make me feel like my sadness was too much. Now making me feel like my grief has a time limit “well its been 6 years now” suggesting I should be over it by now. You do not just get over losing someone you love. You just simply learn to get on with life, without that person.

There are still songs that I cannot listen to without instantly being reminded of my Dad or now my Mum, and wanting to share that my Dad or Mum loved that song, sometimes I cannot help but cry! Does that mean I shouldn’t listen to them? Because of course, my Dad and Mum would not want me to be upset. Of course they wouldn’t and yes I know my Dad probably is in a better place. (Rolls eyes in frustration.) Ground breaking advice; I do not mean to be bitter. I just find it impossible sometimes to be positive about something that really does not have any positivities.

There is no silver lining to my Dad passing away or my Mum being diagnosed with Dementia – all of which happening before my 26th birthday. These things shouldn’t be happening to me at such a young age. Grief like this should not be happening to me.

That is how grief makes you feel. Why me, why my family, why now. It’s not fair. That is how I feel even now and to make someone feel bad for that is just not right!

I understand my friends being young, it’s not something my friends can relate to. But don’t make me feel bad that my Dad has gone and my Mum is dying. I’m allowed to feel all kinds of emotion and it’s no ones place to make me feel bad for that!

Me and my family keep my Dad’s memory alive in so many ways. To us talking about him isn’t awkward, it’s actually quite lovely. He was a huge part of my life and that doesn’t just go away because he’s not here. So stop feeling sorry me!

Every year me and my family go to Folkestone, East Cliff right to the top. Where my dad used to go for walks and we let go of some balloons. We also did this at Caleb’s christening for those who couldn’t be with us, my Dad, my Mum. But I felt like we were doing it in secret. Ashamed to have loved someone so much we would want them to be there. 

I’m not writing this to provoke I’m just saying how I feel. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me for what I have been through or what I am going through. I want people, my friends, to stand with me. 

Always remember…

“The ones that love us, never really leave us. You can always find them in here.” Albus Dumbledore, The Prisoner of Azkaban

Being Becka x 

Music is a massive part of my life, the song that will always remind me of the love I have for my Dad and Mum is Brooke Fraser- Something in the Water