Today was a hard day. I went to visit my Mum in her new care home. It is nice enough. Very red décor, but it’s nice. I took Caleb and Ash was there as always; my biggest support. But it was hard. I no longer have to pretend to be my sister though. My Mum thinks I am her sister Kate. It is almost like she has forgotten me completely. At least that is how it feels.

I am heartbroken.

I genuinely do not know how to express how I feel at the moment other than to tell you I hurt. My heart physically hurts. I miss my Mum being my Mum. Right now I feel like she has gone even more. I do not know how to deal with this without breaking down completely.

I am sat here writing this listening to music. P!nk’s new song – What about us. Although to others it is just a good song, to me the chorus lyrics scream out to me right now about how I feel…

“What about us? What about all the times you said you had the answers? What about us? What about all the broken happy ever afters? What about us? What about all the plans that ended in disaster? What about love? What about trust? What about us?”

But of course I know the answer to that; what about us? We have to be strong now. Even though this is one of the hardest things to do, to lose another parent so young, I just have to be strong. It is what it is and I have no choice. My Mum as I knew her has gone. Except for the odd lucid moment, I do not get to have my Mum.

Fuck me, this is hard. 

For a moment I am going to remember the Mum I want back, my beautiful Mum that I have lost. This photo was taken only 8 years ago when I was 18. A week before I moved to London to go to University. My Mum was so proud. I remember her, in her drunken slur telling me she always knew I was going to do amazing things and she couldn’t wait to see me become a success and everything I wanted to be. I just remember smiling, wishing she wasn’t drunk. Not thinking that she wouldn’t ever be here to tell me all those wonderful things she thought about me. 

Now I wish I could go back to that moment and tell her how proud I am of her. For all that she achieved in her life and what a wonderful person she was.

I just wish I could have saved her.

This is another moment, a happy moment. It was my 21st birthday party and Mum was drunk. Telling me how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. I just remember smiling, wishing she wasn’t drunk again.

How shallow of me, my Mum was telling me she loved me and that is all I could think about. What I would give to go back now and hear my Mum as I remember her saying that to me once more. To tell her how much I love her and never forget that. How loved she is.

I now have a broken version of my Mum, because of her addiction. Because at the end of the day, there is nothing else to blame for her dementia or kidney disease. It isn’t old age, she is 55. It was alcohol that did this to her. It was my Mum’s addiction to alcohol that made her not my Mum anymore.

I just wish I could have helped her.

That is something that eats away at you. The guilt. Which comes from all directions. Guilt for not knowing how to have helped her more. Guilt of leaving her in that house. Guilt of leaving her in her care home. Guilt of not being there when she needed me. I’m sure you are sat there saying to yourself, “What more could you have done?” I do not know, but I should have done something, I should have been there more, and I should be there more now.

This coming from someone who has already lost one parent. You’d think I would have learnt my lesson the last time. I just feel overwhelmingly sad and guilty. The one thing I have taken from my visit to see my Mum today is that I felt guilty for leaving her. Not that she was really chatty, (albeit complete nonsense), or that she was really happy to see me (even though she thought I was someone else).

Why did I not feel this before? Why did I not learn my lesson?

It is the guilt that eats you up. And that is on me, no one else. I have to live with that.

It is the how I do not know. 

I must remember..

“You think the dead we love ever truly leave us? You think that we don’t recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?” Albus Dumbledore, The prisoner of Azkaban

Being Becka x 

Music is a massive part of my life, a song that relates to how I feel about my guilt and love is You+Me – Love Gone Wrong