I have been holding off writing about this until I get my results, but the more I think about it – the more I need to express my deep concern for young women all around that are avoiding their smear tests.

Now this is not something people like talking about – why I do not know. But here it goes.

I am a seemingly healthy young women. Okay, I am incredibly unfit and definitely overweight. I was born with just one kidney – but this is managed and apart from that, nothing out of the ordinary.

I avoided my smear test for almost a year. To what detriment to my health I am not sure. I had just had Caleb before I turned 25 – the current age when you can have your smear test. I received the reminder letter in the post and just thought no, not right now. I had more important things going on right?

 

Wrong. My health should have been at the forefront of my mind; so I can be around and be healthy for my beautiful new-born baby!

I got another reminder, and another one and at this point I thought “How can I ever find the time with a young baby to juggle? It can wait.” I waited till last month after Ash’s Mum prompted me to call the doctors, book an appointment and she would have Caleb for me. I wasn’t nervous I figured it would all be fine and I would carry on with life.

I went to the appointment. It was fine. A little uncomfortable – I am not sure what was worse the awkward conversation or the test itself. I went home and forgot all about it.

Then I received the letter saying my test results were abnormal. Sheer panic. I had been told about abnormal results before and how common they were but this felt different. Without being dramatic, I just felt uneasy about what I was reading. So I did a little bit of research.

My results so far have concluded that I have moderate – high-grade dyskaryosis.

Now I know you have no idea what this means, just as I didn’t. I have a few of the common symptoms; aching pelvis, pain during and after sex, abnormal bleeding, chronic fatigue… But I have no way of knowing at the moment if this is because I am a new Mum and I am still recovering from child-birth or if I am over thinking general aches and pains? But why did I risk it?

I am assured in the leaflets and online that just because this is the result doesn’t mean I have cancer. However, it does mean that the abnormal cells are less likely to return to normal by themselves, and usually need treatment. It is important that these changes are checked now, in case they become more serious in the future.

Okay. Fuck. Why the hell did I leave it so late.

I haven’t had any further tests than the initial one. I am booked in for a colposcopy on Monday and I am so worried. I have read on the NHS choices website and know exactly what to expect. A doctor will basically have a look at my cervix and determine how bad the cells are and what treatment I might need.

But I cannot help it; I am literally fearing the worst.

What if they do find cancer?

It isn’t unheard of for this to happen. Cases of cervical cancer in young women can be found all over the news. What if those 10 months of my ignorance – putting of this test, result in something truly terrifying.

I know you are thinking what I keep telling myself. You can’t think like that.. It is probably just abnormal cells, they will remove them and you will recover and be fine. I’m sure we are all right and that is exactly the case. But I still cannot forgive myself for my ignorance in not getting my test sooner. This could have all been sorted and I would know what I was dealing with a long time ago. IDIOT!

Please, do not make the same mistake I have! Go and have your smear test. I promise you 5 minutes of feeling uncomfortable is worth so much more than the genuine fear I am feeling right now. Whether you are reading this and thinking you should go and get checked, or your daughter, sister, friend, whoever. We need to start talking more about this and stop being too embarrassed to do it!

 

Monday has come and almost gone. I went to my appointment. It was all quite routine. Almost normal. But I suppose, to the nurses and Consultant it is normal. I was asked to strip from the waist down and put on a gown, then pop on the bed, bare bottom. I laughed to myself and cried with embarrassment that ‘maintenance’ hadn’t been round to have a quick tidy up. But in reality this was never important and never would be. 

I did what I was asked and the two wonderful nurses were distracting me with kind words about my tattoo’s and asking me about Caleb.

Then I heard what I didn’t want to hear. Pre cancerous cells that were too severe that they could not be treated there and then. I would have to have an operation to remove the cells and determine how advanced they are.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Is all I thought. I was shaking while putting my clothes back on and the nurse just popped in to tell me I would receive a letter arranging my operation. I wouldn’t be able to drive and would need someone with me for 24 – 48 hours after. Okay, to them this is normal. To me this is so not normal.

Fuck. 

I am scared, so scared. I just cannot stress how important it is to go to your cervical screening (smear test). For what I feel now is so much worse than that awkward 5 minutes just a month ago.

I must remember…

“Worrying means you suffer twice” Newt Scamander, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Being Becka x 

Music is a massive part of my life, the lyrics of this song resonate hard with how I feel right now it is Bastille – Power