This is going to be the soppiest piece, I will probably ever write. I am going to try not to be too cringey. It’s not one of my usual topics… But I feel he needs some major recognition.

Ashley Robert Munn, my Ash, My Love, My world, the father of my son, my best friend. Oh how I love you.

When I first met Ash I had not long turned 18 and I honestly thought, what a knob. He called me Folkestone, and proceeded to get completely drunk and told me (whilst I had a regrettable boyfriend at the time) “One day you are going to sleep with me!” Well I guess he was right, but the arrogance of him was unbearable at the time.

Then he spent a good 6 months trying to win me over. What must be thousands of text messages and endless hours on the phone together. We finally got together at Ash’s 21st birthday. He literally begged me to come to his party and in the end I did go, and quite honestly, I am so glad I did. I still smile at the moment Ash told me he loved me that night and made me feel like the most special girl. I loved him too.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Ash can be a complete asshole at best sometimes. Completely self obsessed, inappropriate and sometimes just rude. With that being said he is an absolute rock for my unsteady life.

 

It was all so perfect at the beginning, I would travel down from University in London whenever I could just to spend an afternoon, or evening with Ash. We were loves young dream I suppose. Happy.

Then just a year and a half into our dream relationship, my Dad got sick and then passed away the end of December 2011. I could not fault Ash’s support. He didn’t know what to say or what to do and he handled with grace, my grief, and his own. I think it’s important to remember, although it was my Dad who passed away, he was Ash’s future Father in law and he had a relationship with him too. At times I think I ignored that, and for that I am sorry.

 

From that moment on, life as my boyfriend only got harder for Ash. Remind me again why he is still with me?? It was inevitable that I was going to be depressed, but I do not think anyone, least of all Ash could have predicted what was about to happen…

I had the mother of all relapses, like major. Ash had to pick me up from work as I just started to completely shut down. I thought I was being followed by the FBI and refused to speak. I refused to eat. I was breaking in so many ways, and he just could not hold me together. I scared him. I became painfully thin from not eating properly, drinking too much, and I became very obsessive with a strict exercise regime. Ash just simply supported me. He took me to the Doctors. He took me to get my meds. He reminded me to take my meds. He withstood the glasses, hair brushes and fists thrown at his head. He still wanted me, he still loved me.

 

I have to admit, I am very good at taking Ash for granted sometimes. I forget that my Bipolar is, albeit in a different way, still very much, a major part of his life. Now I didn’t sign up to have Bipolar, but I have no choice but to live with it. Ash doesn’t. Now what does that say about him and his character to love someone seemingly unconditionally that literally throws stuff at him and can become psychotic, manic and majorly depressive. Would you be able to do it?

I know for sure, he has told me, that there have been points where he has thought about leaving. I can hardly blame him! But he has not even threatened me with this notion, not even mid argument. And he always, always chases me when I try to run.

Eventually my medication was right and I started to stabilise. Everything was starting to get good again. Then bam, another relapse. Although short-lived compared to the last one. In some ways this one was worse.

I was drinking a lot. On my own as well, sometimes a bottle of wine a night. I made some bad choices and I put our relationship at jeopardy. I am well aware that I was a horrible person. I repeatedly hurt Ash and I will never forgive myself for nearly losing him. But not because he was going to leave, like I said before not once has he threatened to leave me or even “broken up with me”. It was because I was running into a black hole and was losing myself. If I what happened next had not have happened, there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t be here writing this today.

I had to buck my ideas up. I was pregnant. We were expecting a baby!

Beautiful Caleb, together with his Dad; saved my life.

When we became parents, together we were on cloud nine. Nothing could bring us down. Ohh except lack of sleep, not eating enough warm food, and the general adrenaline “high” of being a new parent wearing off. We have had some almighty arguments since, but we always go to bed together, we always apologise to each other and we forgive each other.

The Dad, Ash is to Caleb is unreal. Yes he is impatient and sometimes has no clue what to do . But they love each other, and the love they have for each other already is unreal. I know Ash will always step up and always be the best Dad he can be for our little boy.

A song that always reminds me of Ash and his love for me is Rag’n’Bone Man – Be the Man.

I’ve been holding back my love
For reasons I can not define
I’m still the man you want
It’s just hard to tell you so
We’re going through changes, changes, changes, yeah
With hard times I’m sure are ahead
You gotta have faith in, faith in, faith in me
‘Til I can be the man I said I’d be
‘Til I can be the man

Although always there for me, sometimes Ash isn’t very good at expressing his love for me. We always say I love you before bed time, and before he leaves for work in the morning, and I often get a sleepy kiss on the head. But I don’t have the grand gestures or PDA’s, or even the quiet words at home. Sometimes we don’t even see each other because I am already in bed. It sucks and can be hard.

Even after everything I have thrown at Ash, he right now is holding me together. Sometimes he forgets how long my days can be and how mentally exhausted I am. With everything going on with my Mum, my physical and mental health and being a working Mum but he is still here. When it comes to me thinking the “worst case scenario” he keeps me positive and offers solutions. He will joke with me and keep me laughing, one thing I fell in love with about Ash was his ability to make me smile, even when I am angry or crying.

And it’s the fight, and the fight of our lives
You and I—we were made to thrive
And I am your future, I am your past
Never forget we were built to last
Step out of the shadows and into my life
Silence the voices that haunt you inside

And just say the word, we’ll take on the world
Just say you’re hurt, we’ll face the worst
Nobody knows you the way that I know you
Look in my eyes, I will never desert you.
And just say the word, we’ll take on the world, we’ll take on the world                              You me at Six – Take on the world

I could honestly go on talking about how much I love Ash. How I cannot wait for him to propose to me, eventually marry me, and grow old with me…. But I think you get it.

 

“After all this time…” “Always” Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Being Becka x

Music is a massive part of my life, I am always singing and I used to always sing this song to Ash; it will always hold a special place in my heart, it is The Lumineers – Ho Hey