And they say time’s a healer; how long is this burn supposed to last..

It is a bittersweet moment when your Mum who has alcohol related dementia remembers that it is October and you were born some time in that month. I say bittersweet because she could not walk to the shop and get a card. I had to go and choose my birthday card, that I was so desperate to have from her. Some sort of normality around my very abnormal life.
It is even more bittersweet when I open the card and it has been signed with love “Mum and Dad”.

My Dad; who by the way has pissed my Mum off for not coming to visit her while she has been in hospital – I am literally in tears as I write this, passed away almost 6 years ago. How do I tell my Mum that? It breaks my heart and I have had time to heal. I can’t break her heart and tell her the reason he hasn’t come to see her is because he is dead. So, I guess I am the one that is supposed to hurt. I can rationalise completely, understanding fully that my Mum has no clue what is going on and in so many ways I envy her of that.

How fucked up is that.

I wouldn’t wish what is going on with my Mum on anyone. Ever. Dementia is brutal and evil. But I do envy her innocence to it all. When we visit her Dad is still alive, to the point where I am telling her I am texting him to ask if he will be by to visit her. At the time it doesn’t hurt, like I have said before I laugh through it all. I laugh with my sister because it is just hilarious that Mum believes her room mates stereo is my Dad’s and she states this at least 3 or 4 times in the hours we spend with her.
In reality it is not funny; it is completely heart breaking and tragic.

I miss my Dad, but I came to terms with the fact that I cannot have him back. He is dead. It haunts me and devastates me that he will never come back to me. But I am not sure what is worse, someone actually being gone or just their mind.

My heart has to break over and over again when I see my Mum. Not knowing how long this will go on for. All it takes is one cold or infection and her body to say no more and she would be gone.
Then my selfish heart pipes up and thinks would that be easier.

How am I even saying this out loud. Well, to you at least.

Do not get me wrong, I do not want my Mum to die. But I didn’t want her to get sick either. I didn’t want her to be an alcoholic and to literally drink her life away. But here I am, with the above.

I know how to grieve someone who is dead. I have done it and it hurts, like you wouldn’t even know. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Dad. What he would be saying to me about all my adventures, what he would be like with Caleb.
I don’t know how to grieve someone who is physically here, but mentally gone.
It is harder in so many ways. I can have the hug, I can have my Mum’s presence. But with gritted teeth. Not knowing for how long, and how long until she doesn’t remember me again.

It is harder in so many other ways, I know she did this to herself. Where did it all go wrong. When did enjoying a drink become a dependency.

Was my Mum an alcoholic in these pictures? Is it something you are born with. Is it a mentality you obtain through lifestyle? Am I going to be like my Mum?
I know my Mum has always liked to drink. So have I, sometimes I don’t know when to stop. I have been the above two pictures. I have been a young care free 18 year old posing for the camera and a Mum holding my baby. But I know my Mum would have been drinking when these photos were taken.

Just like I was when these photos were taken. Like I am in most of the photo’s I went through on my phone. Realistically, am I doing anything any other 26 year isn’t doing? No, I am not. But it scares me that neither was my Mum.
I am lucky in one way though. I have awareness. I know what drinking can and does do to a family. It destroys from the inside out.

This wonderful, funny women; my beautiful Mum. Where did it all go wrong.
I just wish I could have saved her.
I could not tell you the amount of arguments I had with her. Really, really heated arguments about her drinking. Shouting and screaming in her face that I did not want to lose her. I lost those arguments and I lost my Mum, to alcoholism.

“And now I’m missing you, sometimes I wish you missed me too.. Maybe I’ve just been dreaming, dreaming that you’ll come right back again.. again.. “

“We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Being Becka x

Music has always been a massive part of my life and my Mum always loved Rod Stewart, the piano version of Forever young captures how I feel; in my heart you will remain forever young.