So you say I’m complicated
That I must be outta my mind
But you’ve had me underrated…

I cannot tell you enough, how many times someone, somewhere has underestimated me.Underestimated me in one way or another. It is usually my ability to do something. I am often belittled and people generally talk to me like shit. I couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about. I am just little naïve Becka.
Rolls eyes in complete frustration.
But let me tell you, when I put my mind to something I get exactly what I want.

I must give off this timid little wallflower vibe or something. HA, anyone who actually knows me will know how hilarious me saying that is. But I think I must. I am constantly surprising people. Although, that isn’t always a bad thing.
It does make me wonder what people actually think of me.

Let me start with 18 year old Becka. I was in my last year of college. I had lost a ton of weight and I was loving life!
Well, apart from the waste of space boyfriend who knocked me down so much. My confidence, my life. Continuously called me crazy and made me manic. Physically assaulted me leaving me with physical and emotional scars. I remember one event, my sisters birthday and I had to ask him what I was allowed to wear out. Another where he spat in my face on the train in front of a group of people. I mean what the hell!
But he underestimated me big time. He did not win. I walked away.  

I left college with people feeling sorry for me. They could see what I had been through and I seemingly had no hope. But I did it. I got into University to study Law and despite all that year had put me through I was actually more confident than ever. I was moving to London, I had over come what he had put me through and I was determined to be the best I could.

Believe me when I say, I meant that in every aspect of my life. I was the sassiest I have ever been. I had the world in my hands and I was confident. I would walk around with my head high, loving all the attention I was getting. Who wouldn’t of loved that? I sailed through my first year at Uni with good grades, good friends and an amazing boyfriend.

Then I was knocked, you know my Dad got sick and passed away in my second year of Uni. I was determined though. I couldn’t let this get me down. I remember it was the week after his funeral and I was back at Uni doing my exams. I didn’t do this for any other reason than to distract myself and my mental health deteriorated eventually and I ended up having to repeat the year. I mean, no one would blame me of course.

I was pretty much manic throughout my entire repeat years. People judged me, they were actually horrible. I was too loud, too confident, too cocky maybe? I remember a group of girls and this horrible little guy who completely destroyed me. I had a confidence still though. I knew I was going to prove them wrong. That despite my Bipolar and despite their attempts to keep me down I was going to succeed.

Of course I did. I left University with a respectable 2:1 LLB Law degree.

Even my relationship with Ash was underestimated, by everyone. From the beginning I was just considered another one of Ash’s “girls”. He fancied himself a bit of a lad before he met me! Haha. Yet here we are 8 years later despite all of the bitterness and hatred that was aimed at me despite everyone.
My love for Ash and his love for me was completely underestimated.

I feel a little bit bitter as I write this. Because I am a true believer in bringing people up and always believing that they can do exactly what they want and excel in this! Yet I have pretty much gone my whole late teenage to adult life living with people who do not think I can succeed. People who are consistently try to knock my confidence.  Is it jealousy? Am I too confident? Should I not believe I can do what I set my mind and heart to?

Becoming a Mumma; I was destined to fall at the first hurdle. MIMHS (Mother Infant Mental Health Service) were a heavy presence throughout my pregnancy and throughout Caleb’s first 6 months. Don’t get me wrong AMAZING that we have this kind of service in our country and heaven forbid the predicted had happened, their support would have been invaluable. But I did feel like I was supposed to fail. I was going to get manic or depressed and that was that.
I even started to doubt myself.
The one thing I was always sure on was how I was going to maintain my Mental Healthfor my little boy. So why expect me to fail?

Even now, I have people in my life that can’t just be happy, that despite everything I wake up with a smile on my face and I am confident with it. Okay, not as confident as I was a few years ago. But all the same, I do not want to take the shit anymore.
We should all be building each other up, not knocking each other down.
We can all be exactly who and what we want to be!

“The important things to remember when Apparating are the three Ds! Destination, Determination, Deliberation!” Wilkie Twycross, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Being Becka x

Music is a massive part of my life and I think P!nk – F**kin Perfect. Don’t ever feel like you cannot do what you want!