Day old, day old, day old
Day old, day old, day old,
Day old, day old, day old, blues..
Kings of Leon – Day Old Blues

Right now, it is 6.30pm and I am sat in bed;crying. Why? I myself don’t really know.
I had a seemingly lovely weekend. A lovely day today, it’s snowing here.Caleb hated it but still, it’s nice and pretty. Everyone is having a lovely day. So, why can’t Ienjoy it like everyone else.  Why can’t I enjoy it like everyone else…
But I hate everyone else. I hate them for making happy memories because I can’t right now. I am fighting so hard to be happy. I am done with it being me.. I am done with having Bipolar. I am done with the mood swings, the medication and the overwhelming sadness right now. How quickly things can change. Only a few weeks ago, I was writing about how happy I was. How has everything changed so much. Why does it always have to change and get harder?

Here I am smiling. But it was bittersweet. It was because I wanted that perfect moment with Caleb in the snow. I wanted him to enjoy it so much, I wanted to enjoy it so much. But neither of us did.

Like I said, I had a lovely weekend. I went to Kent Life with my sister and Caleb. Caleb loved it.We all did. I for a few hours was really happy. I didn’t feel the guilt I usually do for not taking Caleb to places. We got to pet a rabbit and a guinea pig. (Anyone that knows me will know how much I love animals, especially ones I can give cuddles to.)
But it was short lived.

That afternoon, I went with my sister to see my Mum. It always comes back to this. Maybe the root of my depression is my Mum right now. That and being in a really fucking shit head space right now.
I look at my life and cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I know this isn’t the attitude to have. But what luck have I had. Age 11 and I had already tried to end my life. Then 12, diagnosed with Bipolar. Age 20, I lose my Dad. Age 25,my Mum nearly dies and is diagnosed with alcohol related dementia. Which although not like “normal” dementia, is still debilitating in it’s own right and will eventually completely steal her from me. 
This hurts me so much. I don’t think anyone knows how much I miss my Mum already. I miss her annoying phone calls where she would talk for ages about nothing. Is it wrong that I even miss drinking / drunk Mum? Because right now I don’t have a Mum. Maybe that’s wrong to say that. I mean she is still alive. But she is so lost, so confused and right now I can’t hold it together.
How heart breaking is it when you are crying in front of your Mum because she is telling you about how your Dad came to visit her only the weekend before. He clearly didn’t but her delusions are what keep her going maybe? But I cried. Then my Mum asked why I was crying. I just said I was being silly.
Then she carried on, telling the same story about how If we had seen her a week before she wouldn’t of even recognised us. About how the doctors have been round and told her that “fingers crossed” she will be leaving in a week or so.
Reality, she will never leave. She will never get better.
She will never be my Mum again. Not properly.

It’s no wonder I am depressed, but being depressed means so much more for me. It means I could so easily relapse. The very thought of it scares me. No, it petrifies me. Hearing the voices, not random voices, but the “Becka” that wants to hurt herself, that wants to do reckless things, that wants to end their life. The first time I am admitting that is now. It tortures me. The battle I face every day exhausts me. I can’t sleep, but all I want is to do is sleep. Sleep the badness away. I have everything to live for. I have a wonderful, supportive fiance. Abeautiful, wonderful little boy that needs his Mumma. This is what keeps me going most days. I wake up every morning as positive as I can. Trying to make the best of the day. But by the end I am in bed crying myself to sleep.
I know Ash is really worrying about me. I have told him how I am feeling, the dark thoughts. He told me that I need proper help. That I can’t feel like this. I think he is right, I need proper professional help. But I also need to help myself. I am trying. I never thought I would feel like this again. I’m used to being manic when I relapse. I am used to being reckless and doing regrettable things.
This time I am scared.Scared of myself, scared of what my thoughts are capable of.

I’m not even sure why I am writing all of this. I guess this is my cry for help. I am begging my friends to forgive me for not being there completely, for being selfish. Begging my family to not hate me for feeling like this.
Begging someone to come and hug me tight and tell me I will survive this…

“In the end, it mattered not that you could not close your mind. It was your heart that saved you.”
Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

There are so many songs that describe how I am feeling right now. But Vance Joy – One of These Days I sing to myself. I Feel like it is me telling myself that one of these days I will find myself again, I will get through this mess and I will come out on top. The future Becka is just waiting for me.. Another song that is helping me at the moment is Imagine Dragons – Not Today. I will get better, I will make the memories, just not today.