I know we’ve all got our problems
And it’s a blessing that we made it here so far
If you lay here in these arms tonight I promise
I promise to take you, take you as you are…

Well, firstly I can only apologise for the epic silence on here. In short, I have been trying to sort my shit out and get my head in the right place.
I have really been trying hard to be the best version of Becka I can be.

With that being said, I am far from cured.

Bipolar is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. But it does not define who I am. There is no doubt in my mind that I will have another relapse. But as for now, I am a well bipolar that is coming out of a depressive relapse.

As you can see I am smiling again. A lot actually, a lot more than I have been for the past 6 months. My medication has been completely adjusted. I am now constantly on 200mg Sertraline,10mg Aripriprazole, 150mg Lamotragine and when I want/need it 7.5mg Zolpiclone. As I have mentioned before, I hate taking my medication. I hate that I am dependent on these little pills to ensure that my mood is somewhat stable.  Then along with that, taking these meds has had its side effects, sickness, insomnia, mild manic moments, tiredness etc etc. But in a whole, they seem to be working. YAY. Well isn’t that a relief. For now at least…

My life is in colour again. When I started BeingBecka, my life was in black and white. Not just for dramatic effect but in reality it was, because I didn’t see the colour in my life. I am finding it a lot easier to not only see the colour, but appreciate it as well. I have spent a long time feeling like my life is surrounded by death and misery. It still is by the way. But I am trying really hard to not dwell on the death, but remember the life and the happiness that was once there.
That’s not to say I don’t have bad days and trust me, it’s so easy to slip back into a negative cycle. But I know that’s a place I don’t want to go back to anytime soon.

There are so many people I can thank for being on“Team Becka” during my relapse. I wish I could say that the main people were my Mum and Dad. But as you know that just isn’t possible. Now, without dwelling too much I feel like I still need to mention these two as their life and death are a massive part of my past, present and future.

I don’t know why, but I love this photo so much. In every way it is one of those photo’s that gets over looked. You can’t really see what is going on, it is blurry and it is out of focus. But I know who it is and I remember exactly when this photo was taken and why I took it. We were at Port Lympne Zoo, just by the tiger enclosure. I saw my wonderful Mum and Dad wander off together and in that moment that were just loving each other and each others company. Now tell me that, that is a photo you would over look and maybe even throw away.
In so many ways the imperfections of this photo are a lot like my relationship with my Mum and Dad at the moment. A bit blurry, out of focus and you can’t really see what is going on. Obviously, nothing has changed with my Dad; he has gone and the grief is something I will always have to manage. This never gets easier, you simply find ways of coping – I listen to music I know my Dad would have loved and I talk to him, I dream about him and I talk about him; never letting his memory be forgotten.
However the situation with my Mum is a lot more complicated then just remembering her good days. Simply because we still have to manage her bad days. I mean they aren’t horrific and I thank God that, at the moment she isn’t as far gone as she could be. But this is just the start. It is all a bit blurry, we don’t really know what is going on with her health or her dementia or even her care. They want to move her, which I think will only be at the detriment of her health and the progress she has made. But we don’t even have a say at the moment it seems. Often, when we see her she is easily confused and alwaysasks about my Dad coming to visit her. It is just too hard to tell her the harsh reality.
This turns life upside down for so many reasons. When you become a carer of a parent at 26 life is turned upside down.None of this is easy. It hurts every day, but I guess what I am learning to do is cope…

The people that have been able to be there through my relapse though, they definitely need a shout out. My sister, Ash and of course my Caleb.
My sister, always the rational, level-headed voice in my world, that calms me and talks me down from those horrific places. The constant support and help I will always need. She is my best friend and I would be lost without her. I know I know, everyone says that, but I don’t know how I would have coped the past sixmonths. This woman is amazing.

Ash, my constant, my punching bag; the one who literally takes all of my flaws and makes them something wonderful. Be that into a joke or a hug. He is there. I can’t thank him enough for that. No matter how much he annoys me or upsets me he has nothing but my best interests at heart and for nine years he has supported me through everything. All my pain and hurt. My crazy ideas of what I want to do next. My bad singing and obsessive need to dance like a loon at any given chance. Everything. What a guy.

Then of course there is my Caleb. WOW how he has supported me without even knowing it. I can’t even explain how much I love him. He has put up with all mytantrums and all of my sadness and madness. For so many days, weeks and months he was my only reason to wake up in the morning. Sometimes even then, it was a massive struggle to get myself out of bed and smile at my baby boy. But knowing that I would be letting him down if i didn’t at least pretend, would break my heart.
Now I don’t feel like I have to pretend. Of course I would like an extra half an hour in bed, but saying good morning to my Little Munn with a genuine smile on my face and his makes it all worth it.
I have never felt more that I need to be the best person I can be. The best Mumma, the best role model in every way I can; as a Mumma, worker, friend, carer and to be a nicer, calmer, more understanding and patient person. All because of what being Caleb’s Mumma has taught me about myself and life. He is truly a wonderful little person who has blessed my life filling it with unconditional love, cuddles and kisses.

Of course, I also have my wonderful extended family and very understanding friends. I cannot thank them enough for being there when I wasn’t very nice to be around, or I broke down in the middle of the street because I was drunk and over emotional, or I blabbered on about myself and they couldn’t do anything more than listen. For when I wouldn’t talk to them about my problems, when i just shut them out.
I could not be more lucky to have such stars around me.
Each their own little light in my life.
So fast forward through the past 6 months and here I am now. Back at work for three weeks now in a job that I hate.
This had to be fixed.
I am literally singing and dancing as I write this. I am leaving and going back to University to obtain my PGCE to become a primary school teacher!!!

AHHHHHHH FUCKING AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I cannot tell you just how unreal this is. For a long time I didn’t think I was ever going to be that person that I wanted to be. After a number of relapses over the past few years and not knowing where I was going career wise. I have actually managed to pull this one out of the bag! I have to remind myself every day that I am finally going to be doing something that I want to do and know I will love.
How have I managed to turn my life around in 6 months?? My sister, Kayleigh always says to me that my determination scares her sometimes.  I amaze myself too! But it just goes to show, nothing is impossible! No matter how low you get, there will always be something to pull you through to the other side. I am under no impression that this is going to be easy, as much as I have to remind myself it is happening. I also have to remind myself that there are going to be times when I feel like I can’t do it.

Now, it is all well and good me saying to you how positive I am at the moment and how things are all coming together for me. But I do not want to delude you or myself for that matter. I, like everyone has good and bad days.
For me, at the moment the only way I can deal with the bad days is to power on through them. I have my wobbles with those who love me and are there supporting me. But you cannot let it get the better of you. Take each day as it comes and try not to be too hard on yourself. It is okay not to cope with everything all at once. As my Dad would have said to me, “Sometimes you just have to grin and bare it!”

That is not to say we have to suffer, and definitely not in silence. But, what it does mean is that we have to own our troubles and let them shape us but never let them define us. We have to be strong and strong enough to seek help and even stronger to accept the help. I know this is easier said than done. But mental health is so important, and we can’t let it be a silent matter anymore, not for anyone.

Most importantly for me, I have to want it. I have to want the world to know I am okay. I want to be ready for every day, I want to take that time out to have a bath of an evening, I will wake up and do my hair and make up.

Then guess what; I will take a selfie and post it so the world can see that
today I am smiling!

Or pulling silly faces!!!!!!

“It is important, to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated.”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.

Music will always be a massive support for me, it allows me to express how I feel and what I am thinking. The one song that has really made me cry and relate to a lot but also helped me write this and get through a lot is Shawn Mendes – In My Blood.Another is Jess Glynne – Take Me Home. Both songs talk about dark times, but  through one way or another you will get through it!
Then I have George Ezra – Paradise. This song just sings happiness and through my dark days I heard this song on the radio a lot and it always made me smile,
and even now makes me dance!