Now I know, I know that we’re losing light, our love is dying, out cold on the floor like a fallen star that shines no more… Take, take me back to where it was before when we were on fire…

What do you do when you had it all but then you foolishly become complacent, you turn your back for one minute, keep your eye off that ball for one second too long. You can lose it all. That’s what happens. Your entire world can come crashing down around you.

Crying in bed every night about what could have been, should have been. What you want it to be now, how you wish you didn’t say that thing in the heat of the moment. Or that you had tried a little bit harder to understand and be sympathetic. Now its too late. The damage is done.

It breaks my heart
Breaks my heart into
A million pieces, oh
It breaks my heart into
A million pieces
If it’s gonna break me
Won’t you let me go?
Leave it till the morning
I don’t wanna know
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart into
A million pieces…

And once again, you are broken. Into a thousand pieces and you do not know how you are going to pick yourself up again and recover.

Why do we have to pick ourselves up all the time? Why can I not just lay down and give in. I am telling you now, I am tired. Tired of fighting alone, for life, love, everything.

How much can one person endure? Life is full of ups and downs. But happiness should be a given. No matter what happens. No one should ever feel more sad and defeated than happy.

We all know the story of my life by now.
The two most important role models in my life. They’re gone, and as good as gone.

This never got or gets easier. It still hurts the same way it did the first day, i’m sure it will hurt just as much when it’s the last day. I’ve said it before, I didn’t have a horrible upbringing. Maybe an unconventional one, but I was loved by my family. Especially my Mum and Dad. I never once doubted that, despite the distance, the drinking, the fights. I never doubted the love around me. Even in the present days. I know my Mumma, as lost as she is, still loves me and she more than anyone wishes she was better. The better sober version of herself. But that is never going to happen. Just like my Dad coming back, this is never going to happen. That isn’t my life now.

So what is my life right now? This is a question I ask myself so much…

I am so obviously going to tell you that my life is Caleb.

This little Munn, is without exaggeration, my reason to keep going. I have to be strong for him. I have to fight each battle and demon that comes my way because he needs me.

But, with that being said. It doesn’t make it easier. Does it?

Life, bipolar life, depression life, grief life, good life, bad life, arguments, medication, ups and downs, exhaustion, demons, nightmares, rejection, struggles.

Everyday life, is it enough? To live your life for someone else? I am sure for some it is. I love being that little boys Mumma. What an honor and privilege. But I am struggling.

Who am I anymore? Other than Caleb’s Mumma. Ash’s fiance.

Who is Becka?

All I see in these pictures, are edited, filtered pictures of me trying to impress someone, who knows who on some social media profile. Wanting that acknowledgement that I am pretty enough for the social media society by getting ‘likes’ on the uploads.

Everything we do is always for someone else, or someone else’s approval.

If I was completely honest with you right now I would tell you that I no longer care. *Laughs out loud* Of course I care, otherwise why am i writing this blog post. I want to be heard, by someone, anyone who might care to tell me everything is going to be okay!  

Acknowledgement of feelings, to me is so important. I have a million thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour and I am always questioning their validity. I shy away from ‘risky’ topics so as not to offend or make someone else feel uncomfortable and to who’s detriment. My own.

Well, I want to talk about my dead Dad, how he died, why it’s unfair that he died. My alcoholic Mum who lives in a care home at 57 because she has alcohol related dementia. My relationship, 6 months until we get married yet is on the rocks right now. My failing career because my life is so fucked up that I can’t keep my eyes on the road and I am so close to failing.

I want to scream from the rooftops and this is for me. Not to make anyone feel bad, or worried or anything else. But because, while talking to my counselor is all well and good, its behind closed doors like everything I talk about with her is a dirty secret.

That is honestly how I feel sometimes, because my life isn’t filtered like those photos. I have seen the dark and the bottom so many times and why should I be ashamed of that?

Why can I not talk and validate how I feel?

Wrapped up, so consumed by all this hurt
If you ask me, don’t know where to start
Anger, love, confusion
Roads that go nowhere.

We need to break the silence, not by screaming and shouting. But by simply talking, listening and trying to understand. To some, I may be over dramatic, too depressing, too opinionated, too much this too much that. But that is me. This is me.

I want to talk and be heard. I hope you’re ready to listen.

Being Becka x

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”
Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Lewis Capaldi – Maybe – How come I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way?