In the eyes of a saint I’m a stranger
We’re all trying to find a way
At the death of every darkness there’s a morning
Though we all try
We all try
We’re all one step from grace…

This is me now after 12 weeks. 12 of the quickest weeks of my life have passed since my worst night, the night I gave up, gave up on everything. The road to recovery is never easy. No one ever said it would be, but I’m not sure I was prepared for the rollercoaster I have been on.
I wouldn’t say that I have been struggling as such, but I have found the ups and downs hard and I am exhausted; mentally fucked. One day I feel okay and positive, then suddenly I’m consumed with one feeling or another. Guilt, this is the hardest feeling. I cannot shift this. I feel guilty for what I did. Then I feel guilty on myself for feeling guilty.

Then words like selfish and self centred are used to describe someone once they have tried or succeeded in taking their life. I know this has been said about me. I know some people are angry with me, completely understandably. I am angry at myself. I was in a sense, very selfish, in the moment that I chose to attempt to take my own life. But I wasn’t thinking. That’s what isn’t fair on anyone.

It is selfish because whoever is in that place, is not thinking about who or what they are leaving behind. The pain that everyone else will be feeling. They are in truth, only thinking about their own pain. But talking from experience, that pain and sheer exhaustion from life can get too much. When you are consumed with this grief and pain it is so hard to see the light in the dark. I’m not saying it’s okay to give up. What I am saying is I get it.

I hope you never find yourself in a position where you feel like you have no other way out. But sadly for some, life can be too hard. I know life is hard for everyone. Everyone has their own problems and hardships in life and everyone has a reason to live. Albeit a small reason, it’s a reason none the less. But seeing that reason, in amongst the darkness is hard. Really fucking hard. I have been in that darkness more times than I would like to admit and I can tell you no matter what you have in your life; depression, bipolar, anxiety, schizophrenia, PTSD and every other mental health illness does not discriminate.
So many times you hear people saying “They had everything to live for, they had money, a family a good job..” etc etc. Fuck, if it was that simple to be happy then no one would ever have a problem would they. It doesn’t matter what you have when the darkness is consuming.

It would be so easy for me to suggest that we all support each other and build each other up. Wait, no, it is that easy. We should all be doing this anyways, there is no need to knock anyone down, especially when they are at their most vulnerable. At so many points in my life I have been criticised. I was too fat, too skinny, too selfish, too rude, too headstrong. I’m not putting my family first with choosing to go back to university. I’m missing out on moments with Caleb because I am going on a holiday without him. I’m doing all of this for myself. Well, I guess I am. BUT what is wrong with that? So what if I am too fat or too thin. So what if I am outspoken. I am the perfect version of myself and quite honestly, I don’t care about anyone else’s opinion anymore. I am trying my best, that’s what matters.

After what I did, I promised myself to never knowingly make someone feel the way that I had been made to feel or let someone feel that they’re not worthy of life. Life is so short and so precious and everyone deserves the best chance at happiness. Whether you agree with their version of happiness or not, it’s no ones business to judge you for your choices.

Talking of happiness, I am so happy to say that right now I am happy! I still struggle sometimes and have days that I think I cant cope. Fighting back the tears and battling my own mind. But I am starting to realise that not everyone will be happy for me, sadly. Not everyone will be cheering me on, again, sadly. But I need to be the best version of myself. Of course for my family and friends, but most importantly for myself and my own sanity.

This is definitely something to live by. We cannot be in control of everything all of the time, but we can sure as anything give it all a try and pretend we know what we are doing. For sure we are all whinging it!!

So, what has been happening the past 12 weeks? A LOT! my life is a whirlwind at the moment and I am constantly busy doing something, being somewhere. Work/uni is going really well. I forgot how much I love learning until I was back in that classroom. So eager to be inspired, which let me tell you, I have been massively! Going back to what I said before about anyone dulling your sparkle, I have had this at many different points of this journey back to uni and my school placement. “You can’t do that. You wont have time. You’ll struggle. It’s too hard!” etc etc. Well here I am working on through it, and might I say as well, still smiling! So take this one from me; fuck the haters. Be and do whatever you want, this life you’re living is yours, no one else’s!

I’ve definitely been enjoying myself a lot more, spending time with the ones who love me and bring me up! Doing my favourite things; going to festivals and gigs. A weekend away from the little Munn. Trying to nurture myself back to a good place.

Ohh, and my baby turned two! Can you believe it?!? Where did those two years go? What an adventure that has been. The greatest thing in my life.

I cannot tell you where I would be without my Little Munn. I have said it so many times before, he saved my life. He gave me a real purpose in life, which helped me fall into the direction I am going now. Together, him and Ash literally saved my life. This guy has been through more shit with me the past ten years of knowing me than you will ever understand. I am truly blessed to have him looking after me, being my constant. Don’t get me wrong, he is really annoying and winds me up so much. But it’s nothing comparing to all the grief he has had to put up with. Many would and have walked out of my life because for them, it is easier? But Ash makes me feel like I am the only option. Not the easy option or that I am too hard work. But I am the only one that matters.

Bringing it all back to what it really is, and what this post is about. I need to tell you that although I’ve banged on a lot about being positive and happy with life. I know it is not that simple. It takes a fucking lot of courage to wake up everyday and even try to smile. Actually doing things sometimes scares the shit out of me. Doing more than changing my clothes some days is still an effort, doing all the things that other people seem to find so easy, to me sometimes is the hardest task. But life is hard. Harder for some than others, granted, but it is something we have to learn to find peace with.

It’s okay to sit in your pjs all day. It’s okay to not want to see your friends. It is okay to still be grieving for your Dad that passed away 7 years ago. To grieve for your alcoholic mother who has dementia and lives in a care home. To feel empty knowing they will never be a part of your life, be at your wedding, see your children grow up. It’s okay.
What isn’t okay, is to feel bad for feeling anything and everything. There is no right or wrong in your life, only what you decide is right or wrong. This is something it has taken me a long time to understand. I cannot control everything. I cannot control my Bipolar. But I can make positive steps to making sure if something negative does happen in my life, I have made all of the right steps in order to protect myself from that pain.

There will always be good days and bad days. Sometimes more bad days than good. I am genuinely scared for the next bad day. I feel like since that day, July 23rd, I have come so far. But I know with life, combined with my bipolar, that this probably wont last forever. I am scared to be back there again, I don’t want the dark thoughts anymore. I don’t want to be me sometimes. I want to think like a “normal” person. But it just can’t be that way. So I must accept that and be the perfect me. Just as you need to be the perfect you. Don’t ever stop dreaming of a perfect tomorrow, no matter how dark the day is, dream and dream.

“For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let them swim in the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud.”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

I always end my posts with some songs that help explain how I feel or have helped me through the good and the bad. An obvious one for me right now is Jess Glynne – Take Me Home. One that will always remind me of how Ash loves me, seemingly unconditionally, is Jess Glynne – Broken. Then to you, when you don’t believe in yourself listen to Macklemore – Can’t Hold us. Dance and be silly like I am right now listening to this song, knowing that you are more than enough and never too much! Fuck the haters!

Being Becka x