I first would like to say sorry for my silence the past few months. When I first started this blog I had all the hopes of posting fortnightly.

But sometimes words fail me and I fail me.

Fast forward 6 weeks and I am heading off on holiday.

I was properly dreading my trip to Disneyland Paris. The crowds, lack of disposable money, would Caleb enjoy it, would there be arguments. The list of things that were making me anxious was seemingly never ending and at times completely irrational; fearing that we were going to get into a horrific crash, all because we are driving the other side of the road. How ungrateful must I seem. Some people never get to go on holidays like this and there I was not wanting to go. But in truth, its because I have been a massive mess the past two months. All the stress and anxiety around Christmas and the anniversary of my Dad’s death.

All the stress of my Mum’s health and wondering what mood she would be in, worrying what memories would be brought up that visit. It got me in a complete downward spiral into depression. I was scared. I’m not going to lie, at times I thought I could not carry on. Sometimes I didn’t want to carry on..

Living with Bipolar is tough. Like really tough. If it isn’t the stigma that comes with having a mental health diagnosis and having to hide it, it is that I hate having to take my medication every day. If I don’t do it when I first think about it. I simply do not take them. Then it is a constant battle with myself to remember that I am only ever okay, as long as my medication is controlled. Please, why didn’t I listen to myself two months ago?!?

I know I stopped taking my meds properly. Not completely stopped but missing days, sometimes a week then taking them solidly for three weeks.Feeling better, then forgetting, well not forgetting exactly, ignoring the need to take them. Being ignorant to my illness and not taking them because I stupidly think I do not need them. Well, to what detriment was that. A great one.
I was signed off work for six weeks. I barelyleft the house and when I did I got myself into such a state that I wouldn’t go anywhere alone.
I just slept. Slept the days away. Crying to myself a lot about how worried I was that my Mum was going to die. Just like my Dad did. She was just going to go and leave us. I know I have spoken about the way I feel regarding my Mum and her illness. About, how sometimes I think it is cruel that she is still alive. Perhaps it would have been easier to lose her those months ago. But when I was riddled with the thought of not even partly having my Mum, I broke even more. Broke down into a million different pieces. I did not know how to get out of this dark depression.

Depression is a difficult thing for some people to get their heads around. I even struggle when I am not suffering. Because you think well stop laying in bed all day, in the dark, not leaving the house. Just cheer up, do things to make you happier. HAHA I can hardly believe I even wrote that. If it was that easy, no one would ever be depressed would they. It consumes you, takes over every thought process. Depression alone is an evil illness, but teamed with bipolar and psychotic tendencies; sometimes when I am manic or depressed  I am uncontrollable.Moving,talking and thinking at 100 miles an hour. This is horrible and exhausting.

Life just got too much, these past few months. But I survived.

I’m not entirely sure how I survived, but I did. I went to the doctors, I listened to his advice we adjusted my medication and I made a promise to myself that I would take my meds; everyday!!
I am learning to be kinder to myself. To forgive myself of the things I have done, and the things I didn’t do. I am trying to forgive others of their wrong doings to me and be patient. I am learning to laugh again; be light hearted to things.

Then, every once in a while. Or should I say more accurately – very rarely.
Something amazing happens.
In the most magical place;Disneyland Paris on New Years Eve. Awaiting the fireworks, and there he was My Ash down on one knee asking me to become his Mrs Munn. It had been an emotional build up to this moment. I had my suspicions and my want for it to happen. But he actually did it! My wonderful FIANCE. I have said this so many times, but he is my constant; the man who has stuck by me for 8 years through it all. When he could have easily walked away,he didn’t. Ash stayed and loved me even when I haven’t been loveable or been able to love myself. Ash, saw my worth and made me feel loved.

After all of the dark and misery, I mostly need to remember that the future is what we choose it to be. We take all of our experiences and grow and learn. But we cannot live in the past, the what ifs, the if only; they don’t make today any easier.
The pain of losing my Dad will never change and the fear of losing my Mum will always be there. But I must keep going because unfortunately the world will not stop for my sadness. Caleb will grow, I will hit new milestones in life and that is why I keep on living,loving and hoping that one day the dark clouds wont be there anymore.

“It is important” Dumbledore said “to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated.” Albus Dumbledore , Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince.

Being Becka x

Music is always important to me and the song We all die trying to get it right – Vance Joy completely explains how we all try to be in control, how we all try to get it rightall of the time. Sometimes failing and sometimes falling.