What a whirlwind of a world we are living in at the moment. I do not even know where to start with what has happened in my life since my last post.. Back in September?!? I have sat down and tried to write something for so long and words have failed me.
So why now? Honestly, there must be something in the air, because right now I have so much I want to say. Good, bad and controversial/provocative. If they are even the right words to use.

I think I’ll ease you all back into ‘Being Becka’ gently with something upbeat and positive. Maybe I am dulling that down a bit, because what happened was actually a massive milestone in mine and my family units life. I became an official Munn. Yes, that’s right, me and Ash got married!

What a day that was, what a build up that was. I cannot lie, unless you thrive on stress and not having any money. Get married. Ha I’m joking, kind of. I mean it was by far one of the best days of my life! But my god the amount of stress we were under. From arranging the day itself, to finding the thousands of £££ we spent, to the asshole people just generally pissing me off throughout the planning. It isn’t for the faint hearted (without being dramatic) and it isn’t the marriage that’s the only thing that will test your relationship, the entire build up will.
If I am being completely honest, which I always am; sometimes to my own detriment. Me and Ash nearly didn’t get married, for no other reason than we hated each other throughout the planning. He was next to useless and had no opinion until the last minute when all the decisions had been made and his relaxed attitude to the day itself wound me up like you wouldn’t believe.

But we made it, after 10 years of loving Becka Parkes, he now loves me as his very own Becka Munn. Wow! It feels weird to say that. I don’t know how long it takes to get used to it. Because in amongst the mad build up, I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to change my name. Obviously that didn’t mean I doubted my love or want to marry Ash, but being an ‘independent woman’ and all that, I felt like I was losing something (what I don’t really know) my family name maybe? Because being a Parkes is all I have ever known and been (obviously) and of course a name doesn’t change a person. But it does! I don’t care what people say, at least for me it has changed me. For the better of course. But still…

Anyway, I didn’t really want to talk about the wedding too much, for me I have shared enough. There are many photo’s out there and the videos of the day. But I only want to share those moment’s with who I want to see them.

For now, I think it is obvious where this heading.

As you will all know, wherever you are reading this from. We are in the middle of a world wide pandemic. Covid-19 has taken over the world, our lives and for me my mental state. I mean, not the actual virus itself; me and my family are fortunate enough that none of us have had the virus itself. But, my brain has been taken over with paranoia and anxiety driving me mad. I’m not going to repeat myself too much, by now you should all know I have type 1 Bipolar. So anxiety, depression, paranoia, manic highs and lows are a pretty common thing for me to deal with.

This was me on the good days:

But with lock down in full force for 5 weeks now for me and Caleb now I can honestly say within that time I have left the house 5/6 times? I can honestly say, I am petrified. Of what I am not sure. It isn’t like someone is going to pass it on to me when we keep our 2 meter distance and mostly, our neighbourhood is pretty quiet. But what if someone coughs near me, or I touch something that has the virus? I just cannot deal with it all. And in turn this is having a massive affect on my mental health and well being. I know I am not alone in this and I am not so selfish to think I am the only person suffering, which of course weirdly brings some comfort, but at the very same time this is my journey and story and how I am or not dealing with it all.

Because truthfully I am really struggling and I am struggling with the thought of the future. Or what future we are going to face should I say. What if when it comes to it I cant leave the house. I’ve been there before, so paranoid and scared to leave the house that I couldn’t function, to the point where I couldn’t even order my own food or even eat it. As well as my close ones (Ash, Kay, Karen etc) I know the warning signs and maybe I am being paranoid but I can feel them creeping up on me. I’m not drinking, thank goodness, because that would be a massive trigger, but the thought of coming out of lock down and me going wild consumes me a lot more than it should I think. Now, I’m sure you are thinking, well you are in control of how you act, react and behave to situations and the environments you are in. Which of course I am to an extent but when there are multiple ‘versions’ of me; it is hard to know which one is coming out of this. 

A picture can tell a million stories, and this one right here would maybe suggest I am tired, worn down, fed up and had enough.

When actually in reality, it is all of those things and a lot more. It is me broken, being not even half the Mumma I should be to my darling little boy and about 5 minutes after it was taken I was a crying mess wondering why I was crying so much. Crying because I feel sorry for myself? Probably, but don’t we all. In our comfy, warm houses, aren’t we so privileged that we can complain about this ‘lockdown’ we have found ourselves in. I know we are all finding it hard and I am not alone, but like I have said, personally I am on a different journey. Corona/Covid-19 doesn’t scare me. I scare me…

I scare myself, because I know what I am like. Of course the vast majority of us will come out of this fit and healthy, ready to go back to work like a rocket has somehow been placed up our arse. Then we will give it a month and we will all be back to how it always is where we don’t care about neighbours, or the old people who live down the road. We will get back into the rat race and hate each other soon enough, no doubt.

I am scared that I am going to come out of this a little broken. I am trying my hardest to talk about how I feel and how scared I am of myself, but what can I do. Social isolation for someone who doesn’t like leaving the house is like a blessing in disguise. Until reality hits that I will one day have to go back into the office, face people, face myself.
Because for so long I was in dark place where I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave the house and building myself back up to where I was in a good place again, happy with my job and the people I worked with. Now I have gone back to not leaving my house.. Not wanting to go out for even an hour a day, because I like the safety of my house, knowing no one is or can judge me. No one is going to hurt me, nothing bad is going to happen. Not while I am safe in my house. Surely not.

I genuinely feel like I am holding on for dear life through this. I am not coping. With work, with being a Mumma, with being a good wife, with being a good person, with being me..

I never thought the day would come so quickly, the day that my baby learnt to hate things, to hate me. These are words that are quite often heard in this house at the moment and my god they hurt. I mean does he actually hate me? Maybe? I would right now. I’m the mean Mummy that has changed his entire routine and life at the moment. He doesn’t understand we are in the middle of a world wide pandemic right now. But I have to admit those words hurt so much, along with the kicking, punching and biting. He is such a sensitive little boy that is so in tune with his feelings, but he is three and a half he doesn’t know how to express these feelings other than to lash out. So does that mean I can’t get emotional about it, that it doesn’t break my heart completely to hear him say that to me?

Don’t get me wrong, my boy is the most loving little thing, usually. But six weeks of each other constantly being stuck in the house, it is killing us all. I’m not surprised he is frustrated, we all our and generally as the adults me and Ash can and should regulate these emotions; he can’t. With that being said, I am struggling with controlling my sadness and anger. Not towards Caleb but in myself. Because I haven’t even tried to ‘home school’ him, we don’t go on wonderful adventures across beautiful fields and take lovely photos together. Today we spend half an hour battling to put clothes on which resulted in the “I HATE YOU MUMMY” and the kicking, punching and biting. It breaks me and my heart everytime this happens. And there is nothing I can do.

So how do I be the amazing Mumma I want to be, the dedicated employee that is good at her job, the wife that is at home that should be cooking and cleaning. And how the fuck do I be a stable controlled person with bipolar in all this?

Because if I am honest, I am scared I am losing control…

I think, my last words for tonight are for you and me to remember we are all in this world together. We are all fighting demons and battles, I know for sure I am; especially right now. We must all be kind and aware of each other and each others struggles. Don’t make life harder for someone who is already suffering. Be that kind person who cares, for the old couple who cannot leave the house, for the person that is anxious to leave the house and don’t forget you might find yourself in a similar way. No one is invincible.

“Though we may come from different places, and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one.”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Go and have a listen to Bastille – The Chamber of London Orchestra – A million pieces. For it breaks my heart so much this situation you, me; us, are in. Be kind.

Being Becka x