Life has never felt like more of a rollercoaster than it does right now. I have never felt more lost, lonely, confused, loved in some ways, left out in some others, wanted by some, yet rejected by most. I have never wanted validation more. Why though? I am so many ‘things’ to so many different people. I mean I am mainly ‘Mumma’ but I am also, a lover, a fighter, a friend, a bitch, the villian in some stories, the ugly one, the fat one, the one that laughs too loud, the crazy one, the fun one and so many more things, I am sure you all have a name or think something of me. Be it the good the bad or the ugly.

That is me. Edited, filtered, with makeup on and feeling somewhat human. But that day I was told to tone myself down. Why do I always have to have wild hair, lipstick and attitude in general. Why do I have to be anything but me? Becka… No wonder I feel so lost. I constatly feel like I am never enough for anyone. Least of all, myself.

Being a Mumma is all I ever wanted. First time Mumma was a lot easier than second time I must say. I feel like I gave my all to Caleb. Even down to the baby book, all 3 of them and the endless photos, baby groups and extravagant birthday’s and cakes.
Then came Penelope. Her baby book I barely even made a dent in it. I have the photos in their packaging still, not in the albums. And if I am honest, I feel like I gave her next to nothing up until a few months ago.

Those initial moments, pictured above are pure love and relief of course that Penelope made it here healthy and that I was no longer in labour. But it was all short lived. The baby bubble as they call it seemed to burst so much sooner than with Caleb. In truth I felt isolated and more alone than ever. I was struggling to bond, love and even want my baby girl. The crisis team had heavy involvement for a period of time and I was only discharged from MIMHS when Penelope turned one. This was with great reluctance, but they felt my struggles were to do with past trauma, my Bipolar and the Post Natal Depression was a secondary effect of my underlying conditions. I was diagnosed with PTSD which after exploring my trauma with a psychologist and trauma therapist, makes so much sense now. But am I over it, in short no. Will I ever be, probably not. Do I wish my story was different, definitely.

Like I have just said, I am so many different things to so many different people and this past 18 months my world and life have changed in ways I should 100% be happy about and some others not so much I guess. I have made some amazing friends and lost some friends that I trusted my world with. So much. My secrets were theirs and that was used against me and I was tarnished with a brush that will forever hurt my being and my trust is gone leaving my guard up and high for that matter.

I like to think I am an alright person. Pretty fucked up, but I’m not horrendous. So when I was told I am a shit friend and pretty horrendous person, I was hurt, and completely broken. And little did I know that this feeling of absolute disappointment and hate for myself would stay for as long as it has… With that in mind…
The photos above are of course their for aesthetic pleasure. But it takes me back to a previous blog post, that shows you never know what suicide is going to look like for anyone. If I told you that in more than one of these photos I started or ended the night suicidal would you believe me? That on one occasion I genuinely saw my life in front of me and I hated it so much I tried to end it. For multiple reasons, the loss of a friendship being a massive catalyst and the lack of self worth being another. I never thought I would feel like this again. But I did and because I don’t know how to be anything to anyone anymore. I genuinely feel like I have lost myself.
Lost myself, in my marriage, as a Mumma, a friend, everything.

I am not going to go into great detail about everything. Partly because as transparent as I am as a person to the world, some things are private and not just my story to tell.

I genuinely feel like life is one big test and maybe we are only given what we can handle. But am I wrong in saying I think that this is unfair sometimes? I don’t want to sit here and be ungrateful for what I have got, the good at best, of course outweighs the bad. But if I could give anything up, just one wish, one card not to have been dealt. It would without a doubt be the Bipolar card. That diagnosis that haunts me every day.

I could wish for one more moment with my Dad, I could want for my Mum to be healthy again, to have listened to me when I begged her not to drink anymore; to choose family over alcohol. I could want for so much. But I can’t tell you how much I hate my life, living with Bipolar.

The illness that causes me to be paranoid, anxious, depressed, manic, a little bit wild and wonderful but mostly mad, uncontrollable at times and a bit of a mess.

Life, I learn more and more each day, how it is a right fucking hard trip isn’t it. I am forever doing, saying or wanting the wrong thing. But most of all, I just want to be free of my own mind, demons and darkness.

If you could have one do over, one wish that is ordinarily unachievable, what would it be?

“The sword had once belonged to Godric Gryffindor, founder of Harry’s House. He was gazing at it, remembering how it had come to his aid when he had thought all hope was lost.”
Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.
The sword of Gryffindor, presents itself to those who need it most. A beacon of hope, an aid in battle and a reminder that none of us are truly alone in this war against ourselves, others and life.

Music, as always keeps me going. A few songs I listen to at the moment and sing so loudly are:
Ella Henderson, Brave – For the days I need to remember it is my babies I am fighting for.
Sia – Elastic Heart – For when I need to remember I am strong and have to fight for myself.

And I will stay up through the night
Yeah, let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes

And I know that I can survive
I’ll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad
I’m doing everything I can…

Being Becka x