So I don’t look back…
It, it hurts with every heartbeat…
It, it hurts with every heartbeat…

So it hurts, it hurts like hell but you are told you have to. You have to keep trying you have to keep fighting. Fighting for your family, your children and then for yourself. But what are you fighting for? Fighting for your life seems awfully dramatic but that is the reality. You have to fight to live, fight the battles, each and every one to stay alive.
What they don’t understand is that battle; the fight of your life that will be for the rest of your life, that is against yourself.

You make it sound so pretty even when it’s not. Didn’t choose but it’s the only one we’ve got. Sometimes I get so tired, of getting tied up in my thoughts. Oh it hurts to be human.

Have you ever been depressed? I’m not asking that flippantly, I mean it sincerely…
Did you know according to Mind’s website, from a 2014 survey, in England alone:
1 in every 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (like anxiety and depression) in any given week and,
1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year.

Now, of course this survey and report was produced around 10 years ago, I have no doubt that the statistics have and will continue to fluctuate but it’s scary to think of it like that.
Families typically make up of 4 – 6 people; 2 adults and 2 children and let’s include the Grandparents from one adults side.
So 1 of those people; adult or child (because we know that any mental health condition does not discriminate) in a given year, will experience a common mental health problem and potentially that 1 person or another person will experience a mental health problem, which could include;
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Borderline Personal Disorder
Bipolar Type 1 or 2
Psychotic Disorders like Schizophrenia.
WOW…

So no, I wouldn’t be surprised if you all said,
“Yes, I have suffered with depression or anxiety for a period of my life.”
Then for some, that has developed into a more ?severe? mental health problem like I listed above.

This may or may not come as a surprise to some of you and I want to say it now. I write this blog for myself. I am in awe of how many people read my blog, relate to, sympathise, empathise and for those who stand up and say “You are heard, you matter and we are here for you.” I do this for awareness and to maybe make someone out there realise they’re not the only person suffering; no one is alone…

I am genuinely writing this with tears in my eyes, listening to music as usual. Realising that i am in two polar mindsets about my actions.

Tuesday 16th April I nearly died.
I took an overdose, a lot of pills; enough to have killed me.
I told Ash to let the kids know that I loved them and in true ‘Ash fashion’ he knew.
He knew what I had done and came to my flat, called the ambulance and saved me, again.
I was blue lighted up to Maidstone hospital and all I really remember is this one paramedic rubbing my hand telling me I was going to be okay, the most comforting comment someone can make when you might not.
In the hospital I had multiple Doctors stabbing my arms, wrists and even my feet trying to find a viable vein. I had drunk so much and taken so many pills that my veins were collapsed and they were struggling so I received delayed treatment for an intentional overdose. As a result of my intentional overdose I stayed in hospital for 2 days I had some damage and I felt like a fool.

Why? Simply because I lived. I hadn’t succeeded and I felt pathetic.
Then the wave of guilt and shame washed over me.
Complex emotions racing through my mind that I couldn’t control.
Ash and my sister refusing to talk to me, acknowledge me even.
I cannot imagine how I made everyone feel that day. The anger and upset that I had done it again, that I had nearly succeeded this time.
I had given up, thrown away my family, my existence, my life.

I beg you, to try and understand I don’t do this for attention, for fun or for anything that benefits anyone. If I die the only ‘one’ winning is the part of me that hurts. The part that is tired, exhausted even. The constantly depressed part. The part that is dependent on a cocktail of anti depressants, mood stabilisers and anti psychotics. The part that is sick to death of hearing voices, the good and bad ones but the ones that aren’t mine. The one that is fed up of not being able to maintain a routine or life even; including friendships, jobs, relationships. The manic part that can’t control money, utilities, life admin. The part that gets so paranoid I believe the world is conspiring against me and everyone is talking about me. The manic part that can’t handle their alcohol and slips into psychosis. The part that when I am experiencing psychosis doesn’t recognise her closest friends and family. The part that when I am experiencing psychosis I run and try to jump in front of moving cars.

As a collective, people like me; people who aren’t ‘normal’, people who have an illness that the other collective don’t feel comfortable with like a heart condition or cancer or something similar. We are just crazy, unstable, loose cannons, liabilities, uncapable of maintaining life to societies standards. But I’m not the only one am I?

So I guess I want to question and understand why the fuck there is so much stigma around these conditions, these illnesses, these sometimes, lifelong battles and fights.

The sly digs, the mean comments…
“I wouldn’t want to be the one who’s having to deal with that tonight.”
“Oh here they go again.”
“Are you even trying to be happy and sort your life out?”
“They do it for attention.”
“For someone who has tried to kill themselves a few times, they’re not very good at it!”
I could continue this list for pages and pages but you get the gist.

Depression, Anxiety, BPD, Bipolar any mental health condition is lonely. You can feel like you are the only person in the room, in the house, the world that feels how you feel. But never have a felt more alone than when I was in a hospital room full of people that knew me and instead of asking me directly or through message, anything; why I was there, was I okay. I was ignored and dismissed. Part of this I am sure will be disregarded with talk of other things going on, more important things, didn’t want to intrude etc etc. But I can tell you as the person who was ignored and regarded as unimportant, it is in fact that very attitude that makes myself and others in similar situations feel like shit. To show no compassion because ‘you’ knew and didn’t care is exactly what is wrong with this world. Now, I know not everyone is going to like you in this life, but perhaps if we all adopted a more sincere, compassionate attitude in this lifetime, the it could happen to anyone mentality would do a lot in saving the
1 in 4, the 1 in 6.

Then I fleet, I have so many mixed emotions about what happened, what I did. Do I feel guilty, yes. Do I regret what I did, yes. Do I sometimes wish it had worked, all I can say is healing is not linear. I have for 2 weeks had the Crisis Team come and see me everyday to check my mood and for my safety. This was agreed to avoid a section being placed on me, which would have resulted in admittance to a psychiatric unit for treatment. The question I find hard to answer, every time “Any thoughts of self hard or suicide?”
I find this hard because it is so blunt and well to be honest my friend, I’m always thinking things like that. The idea of mental health not being a chronic illness baffles me and just shifting mentality will cure us all is absurd. Of course good habits, medication, mind set and support network help but ultimately it never goes away. There is no remission for chronic mental health conditions like Bipolar.
This is for life.

My biggest enemy is of course myself. But I do credit myself somewhat. Other than minor blips, I take my medication – religiously in fact. I engage with my psychiatric team. I engage with therapy and self care, having the little things to look forward to, gym, lash appointments etc. All the things that are supposed to aid my recovery. So why do I still suffer? I can’t answer that question, believe me I have tried to work through my trauma and issues. Sometimes I think just too much has happened but believe me when I say I try. So don’t hate on me for feeling like sometimes it is just too much.

My biggest thought on this entire relapse and moment in time is that I truly hope ‘you’ never feel the low I have felt all too many times. I will walk this Earth with a kind, compassionate heart and an understanding of all diversities mentality. I am not perfect, some would call me selfish, a person that gives up, the person that takes the easy way out. But I can only beg and explain that I am trying.
This is me trying…

“To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Or call 111 option 2 if you are in crisis and do not know your local crisis team’s number.

Music as always, helps me through. I have struggled a lot with which songs to recommend this time but here’s a few.
P!nk – Try
Taylor Swift – This is me trying
Elle King & Diplo – Without you
Nothing but thieves – Overcome

Being Becka x