Caleb William Munn, my darling little boy. You will never quite know how he literally saved my life. I was spiralling into another bipolar relapse, my life was a mess, and there they were; two beautiful lines that meant only one thing.. I was pregnant!

 

 

Like a lot of women I had experienced complications in the form of ovarian cysts and sadly a miscarriage. But now is not the time to dwell on should haves and what ifs. The girl who thought she couldn’t definitely was. This was happening. I quickly realised that I had two choices, sort myself out for this miracle or give up. I obviously chose to be the best version of myself that I could be for this little person. Nothing else and no one else mattered, I was going to be a Mumma!

Quite honestly, I had a nightmare pregnancy. I grew to be the size of a house and at around 14 weeks I developed Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. This I would not wish upon anyone. I was in agony and bed ridden by week 30! Can you even imagine how this made me feel mentally. A time when I was supposed to be getting excited about meeting my baby I was just getting depressed because I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom without crying from the pain! It was absolute hell, I simply wanted this baby out of me and I wanted my body back! I resented this miracle that was growing inside of me for stealing my body and causing me so much pain. I was so confused, I didn’t understand why I felt like this and just couldn’t imagine the pain ever going away. At 28 weeks we had a 4D scan at Window to the Womb in Maidstone, this was amazing. I would recommend everyone, if they can have one! I had half an hour meeting my baby – well sort of, and I cried; it made me so emotional and I felt like maybe it was worth it and maybe I would be okay. This little thing growing inside of me, zapping all of my energy and patience became a real person – it was confirmed again that we were having a boy and right then I stopped saying Jelly Bean and he was Caleb William.

But still my biggest fear, I wouldn’t bond with my baby.

I was very aware of my mental health during my pregnancy and so was everyone around me. As soon as the midwives heard “Bipolar” everything was done to make sure I did not go into a manic episode once the baby was here and my medication was changed almost immediately to ensure Baby Munn would not come to harm, enabling me to breast feed when he arrived. I was sent to multiple meetings with MIMHS (Mother Infant Mental Health Service) who granted were amazing and 100% there every step of the way for me. But fuck me I was scared, all I thought was if I’m not okay my baby will be taken from me, if I act too happy will they think I’m manic, I did not know what to do. That is until one thing happened..

After 2 long days of contractions and labouring for so long at home I started pushing in my bed, I started to realise that nothing else mattered. I was doing this with Ash, no one else and as long as we were okay and happy I could do this. So after telling Ash we needed to go to the hospital now and his reply being, “Well I am having a coffee first” and “Do not keep pushing in this bed, you push in a hospital!!” We got to Pembury hospital.

I was quickly examined and told I was 9cm dilated, my reply was simply “Fuck off”. But much to my surprise, I was having this baby and apparently soon. I waddled round to the birthing pool, Ash in tow, we didn’t have any of my birthing stuff but there was simply no time. We just about got the pool full enough before my waters finally broke, almost all over Ash’s brand new vans, (I pushed him out of the way to save the trainers.) I was in the pool and I begged for pain relief but I was told it was too late and I could do this.

(Now I know that there are no points for no pain relief but I’m sorry, I am pretty proud of my mind and body for getting me through all of this with absolutely nothing, not even gas and air! And I felt invincible!)

I listened to music while I gave birth, this was very important to me as music soothes me and lets me express how I am feeling, and although my playlist wasn’t shuffled and I just listened to Bastilles new album and a few songs from Adele’s 25, I was in a good place, I was bringing a baby into the world. So while the sweet sound of Adele’s Water Under the Bridge  played and I pushed pushed pushed he was here, at exactly 6.40am 7th October 2016, Caleb was born all 8lb 8oz of him! And I felt amazing!! All the fear, all the pain it literally disappeared with that first look. 

I had to spend 2 nights in hospital as Caleb was on 48 drug withdrawal monitoring. This I felt incredibly guilty for, I was petrified that my illness, my drugs would cause my perfect little boy to be harmed. But he wasn’t he was fine, so strong and so resilient to all the tests and all the prodding. I was in love, a love I knew would only ever grow and evolve into something really quite magical.

But who doesn’t love their baby with all their heart?? I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know. What I will tell you is it is hard, so so hard. Some days I lay in bed begging Caleb to sleep for just 5 more minutes, obviously he doesn’t and I struggle sometimes, again this is nothing new, it is just not a side of parenting people are always so willing to talk about that much, I have found.

I truly believe I am a good Mumma, but I have flaws. I go to family gatherings with my son and drink a bottle or two of wine but I also get up and ready at the crack of dawn to take him to baby group or swimming lesson, something I started when he was 10 days old. I cry in front of my baby boy when it all gets too much and he crawls to me with the sweetest look on his face wondering what is wrong. I dance and sing with my baby over and over just to hear his sweet laugh once more. I have screamed and broken down simply because everything I tried didn’t work and all I could do was lose my shit. I breast fed and bottle fed Caleb. Does this make me a bad Mumma for not solely breast feeding him? I don’t know, what I do know is it doesn’t matter. Bipolar or not it doesn’t matter, I am also a human being. I have been there too. You are not alone.  We are all watching our little humans grow and hit milestones, which you must agree is amazing! I know every time Caleb does something new, I do a little dance!

I am so proud of the strong, kind and loving little boy Caleb is becoming, I couldn’t have asked for a more sociable happy Little Munn. And the one thing I haven’t questioned since the moment I held him for the first time – our bond. It is undeniable by anyone the bond we have and I know, I cannot wait to see that grow.

I am still so scared, scared I am doing something wrong and scared I am going to let my Little Munn down. But one thing I do know is I will always love him, and sometimes love is all you need. No one is perfect, but you can be the best version of yourself for the ones around you. And that is far more important than worrying about strict routines and matching socks..

Always remember..

“I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with.” Rubeus Hagrid,  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Being Becka x 

Music is a massive part of my life, my song for Caleb will always be Adele – Sweetest Devotion