This is me, at best, to look at me, even be around me at the moment. You wouldn’t know how much pain I am in. How much I am hurting. I will make the effort to be strong, to have my makeup done and not a hair out of place. Just don’t expect a meaningful conversation from me, because I just cannot speak.
Words fail me.
“You are not a mess bud, you are heart broken.” I think that is the best way to describe how I am feeling right now. Together with lonely, vacant, defeated and torn..  Torn between the right thing to do and reality being there is no other choice. No other choice but to forgive.

Forgiveness is a battle I have always struggled with. Mostly, I forgive too quickly; usually forgiving the people least worthy of it. Then other times I do not ever forgive, no matter how sincere the apology is.
I don’t hold grudges, but I never forget. I feel so deeply sometimes that I cannot always comprehend how I am feeling but I never forget the way I feel. 
How do I even start talking about having to forgive my Mum.
Forgiving my Mum who isn’t even sorry. 
At best, my Mum was a functioning alcoholic and the times that she would put drinking before spending time with us. The amount of times I would fight with her, physically and emotionally to stop drinking. How I would beg her to say that she loved me more than vodka. Beg her to stop drinking before it killed her. Beg her to be sorry for everything.

Now the sad reality is, my Mum cannot be sorry because she has no idea what she has done. I’m not even sure if she can remember being an alcoholic. She hasn’t had a drink since she has been in hospital and oddly doesn’t even ask for one.
Her vulnerable, frail 54 year old mind and body does not know the damage she has caused to herself or to me. 

It would be so easy for me to slag my Mum off and hate her. I’m sure I wouldn’t be blamed if I did and of course part of me hates what she did. But how can I hate her?
Like me, my Mum was broken. For what reason I don’t know, but she was.
I know how that feels and let me tell you, how I have almost destroyed the ones that love me because of my pain. How some of my words and actions are scorned onto others. Much the way my Mum’s words and actions are scorned onto me. But I have been graced with their forgiveness so surely my Mum is deserving of mine?

Maybe, it is her forgiveness I am needing. Forgiveness for leaving her when she needed someone the most. Sorry, for being angry at her. Fuck, I was so angry at her for not saving my Dad. Angry at her for moving on after Dad. I was angry at her for not being there when I had my first baby. Angry that she was still drinking. I was angry at her for so much. I need her to forgive me for being so angry at her for so long. Forgive me for putting her through hell whilst I was growing up.
Forgive me for almost letting her die. 

Watching one parent die is hard enough. So how the hell did I let it get so bad with Mum. I have the hardest job accepting that when it comes to saving my Dad’s life, there was simply nothing I or anyone could do. My Mum I saw it happening in front of my eyes and I didn’t do enough. Now she has to live this second hand life. With delusions of doctors coming in to give her the good news that she will be home for Christmas. Believing that my Dad is still alive, but not remembering her marrying him. This I can not help but feel guilty for. Guilty for not saving her sooner. Before it got this bad. Or guilty for saving her and putting her through this hell. 

I have spoke briefly about this before. I am not sat here wishing my Mum would die. But I am sat here questioning what kind of life she has now and which would have been crueller. I almost feel like this is worse.

I can hardly believe I am still thinking this. I should be grateful surely, that I can have one more hug, a conversation, of some sort. 
The truth is I feel like I am being punished. If that is even the right word. I feel like it is a cruel heartache to watch another parent die in front of my eyes. For that sadly is the reality now. My Mum will not be home for Christmas or actually ever be well enough to ever come home. It is with tears streaming down my face that I admit this.

I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I do not want pity. I just don’t want you to make the mistakes I made. I know it is so easy for me to preach to you how important family and friends are. How forgiveness is key. But these are important lessons I have learnt in my modest 26 years on earth. If I could even live the last 10 years of my life over, I would change so much. I don’t believe in living with no regrets. To me that is selfish and not acknowledging your mistakes, lessons and sometimes pain. These are the things that make us in life.

There is no shame in admitting we are sometimes wrong, or seeking forgiveness, or giving forgiveness. Even if that is forgiving yourself..

“Can you forgive me for not trusting you? For not telling you?… I only feared that you would fail as I had failed. I only dreaded that you would make my mistakes.”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Being Becka x

As you know music is important to me, Rag n Bone Man – Grace is a song that fits how I feel. We are all one step from grace..