If we make it or we don’t, we won’t be alone  When I see your light shine,
I know I’m home..

Heartbreak can show its ugly self in many forms. Breakups are one; I know I have had a few messy and heart-breaking moments where I thought I wouldn’t get over the heartache. That I couldn’t imagine my life without these boys. Well, there’s a surprise I got over it and wouldn’t look back. Friendship breakups are another; I have a particular friendship that broke into a thousand pieces. Because of both of us. I will admit I was in the wrong at times and so was the other person. Again, I cried a thousand tears believing that I would never get over this lost friendship. Of course, I still miss them 3 years later. But not enough to not get over it.
The worst kind of heartbreak though, the one where you cannot get yourself out of bed. You cannot fight back the agonising and exhausting tears. Where you have lost someone so much, they are never coming back. They have gone and can only live on in memory. That’s the heartbreak you never get over.

But then there is love. Again love shows itself in so many forms. The way we love our friends. Loving things in life; like music, art, sports etc. The way we love our children; how unconditional that love it. I know, I fell in a whole different type of love when I met Caleb for the first time. There is misguided love, though still love in its every sense. This love is not good for you. You never stop feeling that love but you have to walk away because staying is more painful. Then there is that true undying love. Usually, the kind of love people think of when they see ‘old people’ who have been married for their entire lives together.
I think of my Mum and Dad when I think of this love.

Please do not think I am deluded in believing their marriage was perfect. It is their love for each other that is perfect. I say “is” because of all the things that go when a person dies; love is not one of them. That undoubtedly lives on.

Love is a tough game. But I believe I got taught right. I have never told someone I loved them, if in that moment I didn’t whole heartedly love them. For whatever reason you love someone. Love is not a feeling you can ignore or abuse.
Even when it hurts.

My Mum and Dad definitely did not have it easy. They met when my Mum was 15, my Dad was a 19 year old Soldier. No one believed it would last, but it has. Despite the distance, despite the arguing, the difficult times. My Mum’s alcoholism. I remember countless times there would be an argument because of my Mum’s drinking, or her behaviour at a family party. How my Dad feared he would die and leave her to die a lonely alcoholic.
I remember the pain my Mum felt because of my Dad’s death. That heartbreak I was talking about earlier; where you cannot move. Your entire body is consumed with grief and heartache. My Mum loved my Dad so much. She would sleep with his pyjamas that were cut off him in the hospital. Even when they no longer smelt like him, she held on. I still hear them laughing together, sometimes. Even 40 years later; my Mum will reminisce about how she met my Dad and the fun they had. Even in her broken mind, she cannot deny the love that she holds for him.
These two wonderful influences in my life, on paper had it rough. But they taught me that you don’t give up on love. If you want it, you make it work. You don’t just walk away and you definitely do not make someone feel like they’re not worthy of love.

I am not going to lie. I have found it hard to love sometimes. Love others the right way, love myself at all. I bare the physical and emotional scars of how love has hurt me. Broke my heart, broken my trust, broken my mind and broken my body. Most breaks and scars heal over time. Some take longer than others, some never completely heal. Its not letting the scars define us. That’s what counts and that is what makes us stronger.

I have learnt that people will bring you down. Why, I do not know. Maybe because they are scared of love. Maybe because they have been hurt themselves? People will abuse the word love and in turn break your heart. Through friendships, relationships and just because they can.
I find sometimes I am completely over sensitive and overthink most situations. I over love or don’t love enough. I am not perfect, my relationship with Ash is not perfect, my friendships are not perfect. But I know the love I do feel is completely perfect.

So perfect that I am here planning my wedding to Ash. Ash is my constant. I have said this to so many people. No matter what or who comes in our way; we are together. We love each other more than anything. I hope that Caleb, in 40 years time still remembers us laughing. That he has a love that I have. Of course, he will have some of the heartbreak I have had. But he will look at our love and know that’s how it should be. Not fake or a crowd pleasing performance. Okay, we may not be conventionally affectionate and I may moan about him. But the love I feel for him outweighs anything. True and meaningful love, just like what my Mum and Dad share.

“Do not pity the dead Harry. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love.”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows.

I cried a lot while writing this piece. Tears of happiness, and some of sadness. The entire time I write I am listening to music, and two songs that I kept playing on repeat were – Scars by James Bay and We’re Going Home by Vance Joy.