The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. – Moulin Rouge

To love is, in my opinion; is one of the greatest things, we as humans can do.
There are so many different forms of love and not all of them are the ones that we want or desire, maybe?
But in any form true love is the greatest of all.
I look at all the great love stories around me and live in awe almost at how we as people continue to fight for love and then wonder sometimes why people choose to give up.

Now, don’t confuse this post as being somewhat of a spill all on some massive life changing event from me. I have always been very clear that yes, this is my blog and my thoughts but I would never tell a story that isn’t solely mine to tell. It is no secret that I am going through some personal changes at the moment. But dirty laundry is never going to be broadcasted on here, from me.

I love; love!
Being in love, giving, receiving, making love and all the in between loving moments.
The greatest love I have ever felt has and always will be for my children, Caleb and Penelope. Those first moments, from right when I found out I was pregnant with both of them. To the moment I got to see them and hold them for the first time.

My first words to Caleb were “Hello my baby, I love you!”

My first words to Penelope were “My baby girl, I love you!”

This love has only grown and grown and is truly unconditional. I have never felt any other love like it. I remember thinking I would never love them the same, and of course it would be wrong to say I do completely. I love Caleb’s kind, inquisitive, determined and smart mind. While I love Penelope’s fiery, passionate, loving but crashing determination. Two from the same, but very different little Munn’s. They cannot be compared but the love I have for them is as equal as it is powerful.

I have love for almost everyone. My personality is very much that of a lover, not (always) a fighter. Don’t get me wrong, of course I have fight and fire in me and sometimes that comes out in ugly ways but generally I am all about loving and bringing everyone up to see themselves in the greatest light and how they shine.

I love being in love as well. Falling in love, what a magical ride that is. But my god doesn’t it hurt when it fails. I truly believe that once you are in love, that never dies. But being in love and loving someone/something is completely different.

I am and can say I truly, madly, deeply have fallen in love with someone. It is and always will be one of my greatest achievements. It is of course, all I have ever wanted and dreamt about since I was a little girl. The dream dress, the first dance, the I do’s.

And I can’t or should I say, I shouldn’t complain about it. But my fucking god it is hard work. So what do you do when it gets hard?
Cut and run? Persevere and insist on making it all work out.
If you know the answer, please let me know…

I forever feel like I love too much, too fiercely, too completely and overwhelmingly much. I’m sure if you asked my husband or children, even my family. If there were things I could do better, differently even, the would be sure to say of course there is.
But love is something that comes so naturally to me. I think my problem is sometimes I forget we are not all the same. We don’t all show love or even love in the same ways.

I’m not much of a big gesture kind of person. I like the forehead kisses and the arms around the waste cuddles while making cups of tea or coffee for each other. The little things I guess.
The things that get forgotten and lost over the years. The things that we all need to remember. Or it will all inevitably fail.

This goes for friendships as well, friendship love can be some of the greatest we will ever have! I truly believe soul mates can be our friends. I love my friends. I controversially don’t like saying I am a girls girl, simply because you don’t have to be a girl to guarantee my genuine love for you and that I will have your back. I am a cliché when I say I love the world and as long as you’re on the same page as me regarding morals, honesty and trust. Then I will completely be your girl!
But when that is gone, this love too will break down and cease.

I am loyal to a fault and up until about a year ago trusted too easily. But my heart has been broken and to be completely honest with you. I don’t think it ever properly healed. This was absolute devastation for me when a few friendships that I adored broke down. I will never again trust or love the way I used to and I feel bad for anyone who comes into my world now, for they will never experience the care free love I used to express.
I may want to.
But I wont ever again put myself in a position where my heart can get hurt again.

Maybe this is why I am struggling so much at the moment. With love.

Without meaning to sound dramatic or needy I genuinely mean what I have said about love above. So for me when it all broke down, I broke with it. I lost a part of me, or they took that part with them with the lies and using my trauma and secrets as gossip and against me. I genuinely still hurt if I think too much into it all.
I rarely use my Bipolar as a reason for why I am like I am but I genuinely have very little control sometimes over my emotions and how greatly I feel them. So I guess it would be fair to say, when I love so passionately it is more my manic side coming out. Now, of course my 5 daily medications help to balance it all out but you can’t hide who you really are, not completely and I like every other Bipolar sufferer will tell you relapses, big or small, can happen daily. For me a lot of my irrational reactions are little outbursts of the mania or depression coming out and my fierce love for those around me is definitely a biproduct of my Bipolar.
I quite simply feel everything so deeply and ferociously, it’s scary for me and those feeling the love. The intensity of it all. But I cannot help it and I will not apologise for it.

So to say some of that has been hidden, for me is heartbreaking. All because I have a dark, deep depression lingering from these ‘breakups’ from this heartache.
I have this overwhelming sense of sadness for myself. Queue the violins! No seriously, I mean that I lost a part of my magic my ability to see the best in all people and situations. My love is somewhat filtered now and I hate it.

Self love is something I am especially struggling with. Of course, in this journey, I have lost love for myself. My confidence is low. I do more than I used to second guess how much I give away for fear of it being used against me. I don’t post on socials like I used to. This even, my blog has suffered because I am wondering if I am giving too much away by saying too much. I don’t know anymore to be honest, and I am really struggling to find the words to explain how much I hurt. So much self doubt and anxiety, which for me leads to paranoia and intrusive thoughts which leads to darker corners, we all know I have been to before. I am trying to get myself back. Remember who I am, who I want to be. But I feel like I can’t be bothered.
I am not in love with myself anymore.

I have said it so many times before; depression, bipolar, suicide. They have no face. Sometimes they are the faces above.
All of these photos taken have been in the past 4 weeks and on more than one occasion I have thought about why I am here, taking these silly self indulgent pictures of myself, when in truth I don’t feel beautiful, desirable, loved or loving.
I feel alone, ugly, fat, disgusting, depressed, mildly manic and sometimes like I don’t want to be here.

Fighting for a love that doesn’t love me. Doesn’t respect me the way that I deserve. Doesn’t get that I am changing, evolving and I don’t want to give it all anymore. I want my guard up because if I let it down I will get hurt again and again and again.
But how do you explain to someone, to your husband, friends, children even, that you don’t want to love them anymore for the very selfish reason that, for as great as love can be, it hurts.

But that is the truth of it I guess.
How love for all it’s greatness can be a deep trap. A curse almost.
Because love is a madness that I will never understand.
Much like my mind, heart and soul. A labyrinth of twists and turns.

Just know, if you are reading this and I ever felt any form of love for, my love will always be there.

“You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!”
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince

Music has a way of speaking to me like others. Love music can be deep and slow but also upbeat and dancing music. So go and have a listen to my favourite love songs, or yours!
Ewan McGregor – Your song (from Moulin Rouge) “My gift is my song and this one’s for you!”
Bastille – Joy “Then I feel my pulse quickening when your name lights up the screen! How’d you always know when I am down?!”
Dermot Kennedy – Something to someone “Ohh you love me more than anyone, yeah we were up so high!”
City and Colour – We found each other in the dark “We’re gonna live, we’re gonna live at last.”

Being Becka x